My brain is wide awake, my eyes, however, are not.
At least not yet. I squint and look for my phone somewhere in my bed. It's hard to find lost in translation, lost in the blankets. I offer up my skin as a way to find it. Shuffling my legs around waiting for that inevitable moment where cold iPhone meets warm skin, soon to be ransacked by cold apple amalgamation, sending chills up and down my entire. body. Oh well. Collateral damage for finding my phone. The moment never comes. This is going to require some real effort. Tad bit annoying. But nothing to get hot and bothered about.
i think to myself:
Old habits die hard.
i lay for a minute, reluctant, yet resigned to believe that i'm awake at what must be a ridiculously early AM hour. Then it hits me:
My phone is laying on my nightstand, harmlessly charging, face-down. Unlike me, it still sleeps innocently.
I guess the habits broken. There is hope after all.
So the next order of business is to look at the time. 4:11.
Shit.
Sheer hour wise, it's going to be a long day. I've come to appreciate that as an ingratiatingly good thing. For a number of reasons. But we'll get to that.
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| Mark caught smiling |
So where to begin?
Justin Timberlake's "Losing My Way" happens to be playing so i guess we can start there.
It's hard to ignore the connections that i see now. Blessed and cursed (blessed in this particular instant) with a memory whose depths continue to be pushed and explored, i can't help but think of the association i have with the word "journey". I remember reading Jillian Kirkconell's (Hope i spelled that right) facebook box (thing that used to be just below your picture and have written "say something about yourself" in which Alan coyly being Alan simply writes: "something about yourself") and it saying
"Life is an amazing journey."
Right you were (and still are) Ms. Kirkconnell.
I wonder if almost losing my way, staggering and lagging somewhat, is what caused me to reach this place (which i can only, if being honest, describe as lucky and blessed) i am in right meow.
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| Taken a couple of days ago, not on a cloudy morning like today |
Another connection pops into my fickle brain:
The title of episode 3 of The West Wing, which i wrote down in case i forgot, but pulling out one of my moleskin's to find the Latin phrase will prove unnecessary for i have it memorized (i wonder if writing it down is what caused me to remember, but i digress):
Post hoc, ergo propter hoc
Which Martin Sheen explains in English means: "It happened after it, therefore it was caused by it."
The modern day man's 1999 expression for: 'chain reaction of events' or even the delusional 'everything happens for a reason'.
I have a bone to pick with all of you people that say that (everything happens for a reason). In my eyes there are a few different kind of people that say it. The ones that i have a problem with are those that say it simply to sleep better at night. Take it from someone who used to lose sleep over trying to figure out such reasons. If this describes you, believe me when i write that you are in for a rude awakening. Hiding from or ignoring the fact that sometimes things just happen or go wrong with no rhyme or reason will simply leave you in a worse position than you are. Food for thought. Instead go with Marilyn Monroe's version of the saying:
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| She's pretty no? (You should read some of her insight) |
At any rate. What i was getting around to was that i wonder if the cluster of events that i went through is what caused me to get out of my funk and make it to the person i was on my way to being and have always wanted to be. Eyes open, mind open and heart open, each with it's own brand of Senemar protection. (Thanks mom and dad and everyone i've had the pleasure of running into and staying up late getting to know between here and afar)
The question remains without a concrete answer. Something i'm oddly comfortable with. One of the few exceptions where "what if" is an acceptable unknown to be aware of.
And that's definitely one of a few new things i've learned that i'd love to share.
Being self-aware. Knowing yourself.
Somewhere along the way i guess i kind of forgot. Which my friends will say, it's ok NOW that i'm back. As long as i came back it was an acceptable price for them to pay. At least that's how they spin it. They always were there. Even when i was a handful, and that is putting it a sugarcoated shade of light. (Monroe popping up in my head again, if you can't handle me at my worse you sure don't deserve me at my best). Cheers to all of you that have and will continue to put up with the craze that is Matt Senemar.
So being self-aware? To me that entails alot. It means knowing what you know exists, and knowing where the boundaries to your knowledge of things are. Which means being aware of what is unknown and being able to make smart decisions regarding the balance of information that you do and do not have. Always something i can't stress enough. It's hard to synthesize information like that and at that rate. Something that takes time, given only to those who test themselves. Nothing worth having is easy.
Now this character trait is not worth much unless it is combined with a few other things. One i knew. Honesty. The second i added: transparency. (You know, for the whole truth is irrelevant thing, perception is everything)
Now it's important to note that the "truth is only deserving to those that are worthy". Meaning don't go telling everyone everything they want to know. There are those out there that will use it against you. Ask Bernie Madoff what the reason was for screwing over countless people out of there life savings who are continuing to try to piece their lives back together while their tax dollars help him acclimate comfortably to back to back to back to back to back life sentences. Riddle me that. No go ahead. Seriously, i'll wait.
Now honesty is pretty straightforward. But people are out there that continue insisting on complicating a simple concept. So allow me to break it down:
Say what's on your mind with tact and respect, in the best interest of your friends and family and the potential people in your life. Do it in love with no malice or ill intent in your heart.
Now there are those lucky enough to actually be able to do this due to not knowing hunger, being strangers to abuse and mistreatment and having an all around good upbringing. Good parents and good friends. Regardless of status. When it comes to that intangible the socio-economic status goes OUT THE WINDOW.
But there are also those that sleep in hunger's bed, that wonder if there is a God and if so what kind would allow such horrible things to happen to them. Unimaginable. These are the ones that deserve to say everything happens for a reason. Not you reading from your iPhone or Android. (your suspicions are correct).
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| Sun's starting to illuminate as i write |
Onto Transparency. One i'm still mulling over in the noggin. My ego lobbying to not relinquish such sensitive, power-relieving information. But i've got nothing to prove to anyone but myself anymore. (Doesn't take away from the fact i want to make certain people very, very proud of me).
Mary Jane's Last Dance comes on and immediately i'm taken back to the A-Frame. Chrissy. Alan. Angela. Trevor. Joel. Time taken forgranted by none and by all. Cloudy. But a beautifully jaded time in all of our lives. We were all suspicious that we were onto something. Something that we now know will last a lifetime. That rush is second to none. Maybe sex, if done right. (try using honesty and transparency with your needs and wants there, you never know and the answer will always be no if you don't ask)
"I don't know, what i been told.
You never slow down,
You never grow old.
Tired of screwing up,
Tired of going down,
Tired of myself,
Tired of this town.
Oh my my,
Oh hell yes.
Honey put on that party dress."
I used to have plans for this song. It would be the theme to the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. That transitional period between who you are and who you want to be. I say used to because, well i'll let you figure it out. Some things just plain deserve more than being spelled out.
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| More so |
There will always be exceptions to almost everything. Things that defy and break the rules. It also feels very good to break a rule now and then. Especially the ones we have for ourselves that keep us nice and safe in our little box. Walking in a perfectly straight line. Biding our time. We're on a limited supply. tick, tock.
Questioning everything is a good principle. Having the wisdom to know when things shouldn't be questioned is a gift. This wasn't something i wanted to figure out the answer to. What would happen if "it was no longer in the bag". I didn't want to hurt like that. I'd say i brought it on myself in a way. Definitely made quite a few mistakes and didn't take heed of the signs when they presented themselves. Maybe being too self-aware at the cost of being aware of what was happening and what it was doing to those around me. And how they were perceiving it. But i was figuring it out. Slowly but surely. Now indefinitely. And so badly i wanted it after it was gone. For the right reasons.
So long i questioned why everyone else saw what one seemingly did not. The answer it turns out is much simpler than i had been complicating. The realization is one of self-empowerment.
But again, i'm not here to spell things out.
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| Clouds everywhere! |
I was so unhappy with alot of things i projected it on alot of people. I guess it wasn't being honest or transparent. Breaking the rules. When i shouldn't have. But i definitely picked up on it and planned on changing it. The tangible evidence is there before you. But all of it doesn't matter at this point.
My dad has a saying; "when you're done with the rest, come see the best." What a charmer.
At the end of the day it boils down to the bottom line:
You did the wrong thing to the right guy.
(Thanks Katy, hell of a saying)
Don't get me wrong. At all. That is the last thing i want. For i've definitely taken a piece of you with me. Just like they say in motorcycle drive-by. I definitely have a new favorite color. Two in fact. I'll let you figure out the third one, faithful readers. :)
But it isn't just color. It's what i fell for. Smiling is something i do alot of nowadays. I can't thank you enough for all that you've taught me. (I wanted to spend my whole life doing it, actually).
Talking with Rob Lowe (you read it correctly) and one major thing i get out of it is this (i'm paraphrasing): 'if you love someone or something whatever it may be. Your job, your passions, something you invest yourself wholly in; if that opposite is not reciprocating you must find the courage to move on.' No matter how good it is. You teach people how to treat you.
I guess you gotta go there to come back. :)
And back i am. With ferocity. Righteous.
My cousin comes in from California today. Such a stud. Has more volunteer hours at a hospital than anyone i know. I say this because i look to his 21 year old self for advice on how to approach volunteering myself at the brand new Integris Health Center literally a stones throw away from my house opening this fall. (If you have any ideas on a good place to volunteer in a hospital, feel free to share)
I can't help but be reminded of Herold Monis. I'm raising money for him to go back to school this fall in the Dominican Republic. His school was hit by the eathquake in Haiti and his sponsors had pulled out due to their own problems. As fate would have it i meet him at our Labadee Snorkel Safari on the cruise and being the person that likes to engage i strike up convo. I come to find out all of this and get all his info. $2,500 dollars for food, tuition, transport and books for a whole year? For Grad School? Shut the front door. Wish me luck. We're getting closer. If you want to donate or help, lemme know.
I also can't help but be excited. I can't help but be reminded of all of the things i've experienced in the very recent present. I've been lucky enough to go to alot of places and see alot of things. Meet alot of people. The Wedding i went to recently stands out. The Master of Ceremonies gave me a quote that i had to write down. I'm sure you have heard it before.
"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift. That's why they call it the Present."
Cherish it. Be consistent in your commitment to it. Go live your life. Don't make a living. Admit to your flaws.
I know i have flaws, varying in degree and based on definition.
But i can't get hung up on that when i'm standing on the edge of something big. Standing on the edge of summer. Ending one chapter and beginning another. Every exit somewhere is an entrance somewhere else.
So when someone has said it best all you can do is repeat it and hope it sends the message you intended:
"I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain."
-Shawshank
Now it's time for breakfast, and i better hurry, there's a storm a brewin'. :)
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| Listen to "Till Kingdom Come" by Coldplay. The one that's 8:44 long. And listen to the whole thing. Trust me. |
-Matt.
