Right Before Your Eyes.

*EYES OPEN*.

My brain is wide awake, my eyes, however, are not.

At least not yet. I squint and look for my phone somewhere in my bed. It's hard to find lost in translation, lost in the blankets. I offer up my skin as a way to find it. Shuffling my legs around waiting for that inevitable moment where cold iPhone meets warm skin, soon to be ransacked by cold apple amalgamation, sending chills up and down my entire. body.  Oh well. Collateral damage for finding my phone. The moment never comes. This is going to require some real effort. Tad bit annoying. But nothing to get hot and bothered about.

i think to myself: 

Old habits die hard. 

i lay for a minute, reluctant, yet resigned to believe that i'm awake at what must be a ridiculously early AM hour. Then it hits me:

My phone is laying on my nightstand, harmlessly charging, face-down. Unlike me, it still sleeps innocently.  

I guess the habits broken. There is hope after all.  

So the next order of business is to look at the time. 4:11.

Shit. 

Sheer hour wise, it's going to be a long day. I've come to appreciate that as an ingratiatingly good thing. For a number of reasons. But we'll get to that.  

Mark caught smiling

So where to begin?

Justin Timberlake's "Losing My Way" happens to be playing so i guess we can start there.

It's hard to ignore the connections that i see now. Blessed and cursed (blessed in this particular instant) with a memory whose depths continue to be pushed and explored, i can't help but think of the association i have with the word "journey". I remember reading Jillian Kirkconell's (Hope i spelled that right) facebook box (thing that used to be just below your picture and have written "say something about yourself" in which Alan coyly being Alan simply writes: "something about yourself") and it saying

"Life is an amazing journey."

Right you were (and still are) Ms. Kirkconnell.

I wonder if almost losing my way, staggering and lagging somewhat, is what caused me to reach this place (which i can only, if being honest, describe as lucky and blessed) i am in right meow.

Taken a couple of days ago, not on a cloudy morning like today

Another connection pops into my fickle brain:


The title of episode 3 of The West Wing, which i wrote down in case i forgot, but pulling out one of my moleskin's to find the Latin phrase will prove unnecessary for i have it memorized (i wonder if writing it down is what caused me to remember, but i digress):  

Post hoc, ergo propter hoc 
 
Which Martin Sheen explains in English means: "It happened after it, therefore it was caused by it."

The modern day man's 1999 expression for: 'chain reaction of events' or even the delusional 'everything happens for a reason'.

I have a bone to pick with all of you people that say that (everything happens for a reason). In my eyes there are a few different kind of people that say it. The ones that i have a problem with are those that say it simply to sleep better at night. Take it from someone who used to lose sleep over trying to figure out such reasons. If this describes you, believe me when i write that you are in for a rude awakening. Hiding from or ignoring the fact that sometimes things just happen or go wrong with no rhyme or reason will simply leave you in a worse position than you are. Food for thought. Instead go with Marilyn Monroe's version of the saying:

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

 andddd follwed by a sweet new addition to my room, appropriate for this quote:

 

She's pretty no? (You should read some of her insight)

 

At any rate. What i was getting around to was that i wonder if the cluster of events that i went through is what caused me to get out of my funk and make it to the person i was on my way to being and have always wanted to be. Eyes open, mind open and heart open, each with it's own brand of Senemar protection. (Thanks mom and dad and everyone i've had the pleasure of running into and staying up late getting to know between here and afar)

The question remains without a concrete answer. Something i'm oddly comfortable with. One of the few exceptions where "what if" is an acceptable unknown to be aware of.

And that's definitely one of a few new things i've learned that i'd love to share.

Being self-aware. Knowing yourself. 

Somewhere along the way i guess i kind of forgot. Which my friends will say, it's ok NOW that i'm back. As long as i came back it was an acceptable price for them to pay. At least that's how they spin it. They always were there. Even when i was a handful, and that is putting it a sugarcoated shade of light. (Monroe popping up in my head again, if you can't handle me at my worse you sure don't deserve me at my best). Cheers to all of you that have and will continue to put up with the craze that is Matt Senemar.

So being self-aware? To me that entails alot. It means knowing what you know exists, and knowing where the boundaries to your knowledge of things are. Which means being aware of what is unknown and being able to make smart decisions regarding the balance of information that you do and do not have. Always something i can't stress enough. It's hard to synthesize information like that and at that rate. Something that takes time, given only to those who test themselves. Nothing worth having is easy.

Now this character trait is not worth much unless it is combined with a few other things. One i knew. Honesty. The second i added: transparency. (You know, for the whole truth is irrelevant thing, perception is everything)

Now it's important to note that the "truth is only deserving to those that are worthy". Meaning don't go telling everyone everything they want to know. There are those out there that will use it against you. Ask Bernie Madoff what the reason was for screwing over countless people out of there life savings who are continuing to try to piece their lives back together while their tax dollars help him acclimate comfortably to back to back to back to back to back life sentences. Riddle me that. No go ahead. Seriously, i'll wait.

Now honesty is pretty straightforward. But people are out there that continue insisting on complicating a simple concept. So allow me to break it down:

Say what's on your mind with tact and respect, in the best interest of your friends and family and the potential people in your life. Do it in love with no malice or ill intent in your heart. 

Now there are those lucky enough to actually be able to do this due to not knowing hunger, being strangers to abuse and mistreatment and having an all around good upbringing. Good parents and good friends. Regardless of status. When it comes to that intangible the socio-economic status goes OUT THE WINDOW.

But there are also those that sleep in hunger's bed, that wonder if there is a God and if so what kind would allow such horrible things to happen to them. Unimaginable. These are the ones that deserve to say everything happens for a reason. Not you reading from your iPhone or Android. (your suspicions are correct).

Sun's starting to illuminate as i write

Onto Transparency. One i'm still mulling over in the noggin. My ego lobbying to not relinquish such sensitive, power-relieving information. But i've got nothing to prove to anyone but myself anymore. (Doesn't take away from the fact i want to make certain people very, very proud of me).

Mary Jane's Last Dance comes on and immediately i'm taken back to the A-Frame. Chrissy. Alan. Angela. Trevor. Joel. Time taken forgranted by none and by all. Cloudy. But a beautifully jaded time in all of our lives. We were all suspicious that we were onto something. Something that we now know will last a lifetime. That rush is second to none. Maybe sex, if done right. (try using honesty and transparency with your needs and wants there, you never know and the answer will always be no if you don't ask)

"I don't know, what i been told. 

You never slow down,

You never grow old.

 Tired of screwing up,

Tired of going down,

Tired of myself,

Tired of this town.

Oh my my,

Oh hell yes.

Honey put on that party dress."

I used to have plans for this song. It would be the theme to the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. That transitional period between who you are and who you want to be. I say used to because, well i'll let you figure it out. Some things just plain deserve more than being spelled out.  

More so

There will always be exceptions to almost everything. Things that defy and break the rules. It also feels very good to break a rule now and then. Especially the ones we have for ourselves that keep us nice and safe in our little box. Walking in a perfectly straight line. Biding our time. We're on a limited supply. tick, tock. 

Questioning everything is a good principle. Having the wisdom to know when things shouldn't be questioned is a gift. This wasn't something i wanted to figure out the answer to. What would happen if "it was no longer in the bag". I didn't want to hurt like that. I'd say i brought it on myself in a way. Definitely made quite a few mistakes and didn't take heed of the signs when they presented themselves. Maybe being too self-aware at the cost of being aware of what was happening and what it was doing to those around me. And how they were perceiving it. But i was figuring it out. Slowly but surely. Now indefinitely. And so badly i wanted it after it was gone. For the right reasons.

So long i questioned why everyone else saw what one seemingly did not. The answer it turns out is much simpler than i had been complicating. The realization is one of self-empowerment.

But again, i'm not here to spell things out.

Clouds everywhere!

 I was so unhappy with alot of things i projected it on alot of people. I guess it wasn't being honest or transparent. Breaking the rules. When i shouldn't have. But i definitely picked up on it and planned on changing it. The tangible evidence is there before you. But all of it doesn't matter at this point.
 
My dad has a saying; "when you're done with the rest, come see the best." What a charmer.

At the end of the day it boils down to the bottom line:

You did the wrong thing to the right guy.
(Thanks Katy, hell of a saying)

Don't get me wrong. At all. That is the last thing i want. For i've definitely taken a piece of you with me. Just like they say in motorcycle drive-by. I definitely have a new favorite color. Two in fact. I'll let you figure out the third one, faithful readers. :)

But it isn't just color. It's what i fell for. Smiling is something i do alot of nowadays. I can't thank you enough for all that you've taught me. (I wanted to spend my whole life doing it, actually).

Talking with Rob Lowe (you read it correctly) and one major thing i get out of it is this (i'm paraphrasing): 'if you love someone or something whatever it may be. Your job, your passions, something you invest yourself wholly in; if that opposite is not reciprocating you must find the courage to move on.' No matter how good it is. You teach people how to treat you.  

I guess you gotta go there to come back. :)

And back i am. With ferocity. Righteous.

My cousin comes in from California today. Such a stud. Has more volunteer hours at a hospital than anyone i know. I say this because i look to his 21 year old self for advice on how to approach volunteering myself at the brand new Integris Health Center literally a stones throw away from my house opening this fall. (If you have any ideas on a good place to volunteer in a hospital, feel free to share)

I can't help but be reminded of Herold Monis. I'm raising money for him to go back to school this fall in the Dominican Republic. His school was hit by the eathquake in Haiti and his sponsors had pulled out due to their own problems. As fate would have it i meet him at our Labadee Snorkel Safari on the cruise and being the person that likes to engage i strike up convo. I come to find out all of this and get all his info. $2,500 dollars for food, tuition, transport and books for a whole year? For Grad School? Shut the front door. Wish me luck. We're getting closer. If you want to donate or help, lemme know.

I also can't help but be excited. I can't help but be reminded of all of the things i've experienced in the very recent present. I've been lucky enough to go to alot of places and see alot of things. Meet alot of people. The Wedding i went to recently stands out. The Master of Ceremonies gave me a quote that i had to write down. I'm sure you have heard it before.

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift. That's why they call it the Present."

Cherish it. Be consistent in your commitment to it. Go live your life. Don't make a living. Admit to your flaws.

I know i have flaws, varying in degree and based on definition.

But i can't get hung up on that when i'm standing on the edge of something big. Standing on the edge of summer. Ending one chapter and beginning another. Every exit somewhere is an entrance somewhere else.


So when someone has said it best all you can do is repeat it and hope it sends the message you intended:

"I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain."
-Shawshank

Now it's time for breakfast, and i better hurry, there's a storm a brewin'. :)

Listen to "Till Kingdom Come" by Coldplay. The one that's 8:44 long. And listen to the whole thing. Trust me.

-Matt.

Yourself or someone like you.

It's 7 am in sunny CA and i'm wide awake. Can't sleep past 9 anymore these days. Too much to do. :)

And my brain won't let me stop reminiscing on a lot of things. Some Melancholy, but mainly happy things. 

Dad's getting dressed. Looks at me and requests i do the same. I smile.

Mom's killing it on the phone. Business never sleeps. 

So i think about where i've been lately and i realize i've been in a different place every single day for a week plus change. 

One day, Puerto Rico,

Next day: St. Thomas, USVI

Next day: Samana, Dominican Repub.

Next day: Haiti

Next day: Baltimore (<3 you Trev and Procter)

Next day: Annapolis 

Next day: Home (is where the heart is)

Which brings us to where i am now: 

Looking out my hotel room window on lucky number 14 (or is that 13?) and i'm about to go burn the city down and wish my family gets here faster from other areas of California, as i miss the hell out of them. 



stay tuned, as there is plenty more to come.

Smile because it happened. :)

Never say never.

The open road. I've been saving this one for a while. 

 I feel different. A good kind of different. When you read the end I guess you start thinking about the beginning. The beginning in this case, of something that helped you make sense of somethings, less sense of others and ultimately (hopefully) a wiser person. 

Benjamin Button: It's funny how sometimes the people we remember the least make the greatest impression on us. 

I can only hope you read this and believe that i'm being honest. Skepticism has its way of creeping up in the head and honestly its leaving that unresolved that has lead me to where i am now. I can't go back and change something that has already happened (yet). 

Benjamin Button: You never know what's coming for you. 

 But i can tell you its a powerful agent, capable of plenty. Skepticism in an uncertain world, whew. Palpable combination. Volatile in the wrong situations. And wrong situations will inevitably cross paths with this combination. The best you can do is leave no doubt. 

  Benjamin Button: Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss. 

I wish each one of you did not have you're particular grains of salt that you take this with. Instead, i wish you could read it and take it for what it is. Something to be learned. Something borrowed. 

  
In the end, this is where i imagine wisdom is to be gained. At worlds end, with beauty glazing the eyes, and nothing simpler than a couch begging two willing individuals to emote what logic forces behind our tongues guarded by teeth that will smile at you to believe otherwise.  

Unfortunately, it's not. 

   
Instead? This is what the reality is. The small amount of information that we choose to show. Unwilling to let out what is for some, screaming underneath. 

Benjamin Button: You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go. 

Remaining like a duck on the pond. Protecting yourself. Staying guarded. Hiding. Whatever you want to call it. All seemingly legitimate reasons for keeping at bay the things we really feel. The first one is my particular brand of vodka when it comes to describing oneself.

When we really look at it, it's misdirection.   

Mrs. Maple: Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?

Modern day Houdini's of emotion. And why shouldn't we be? Experience has taught us the pessimistic side of what happens when we do allow one in. Which is why there are us lucky few that have done it, been burned, and continue to do it and those that don't. Not saying you are one either way. Just talking. 

Benjamin Button: It's a funny thing about coming home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You'll realize what's changed is you.  

So, misdirection. Showing you something else masking what is really going on. Some are good at it, others are dangerously better. It comes down to this:

What the ears hear and the eyes see, the mind believes.   

So the truth is irrelevant. We all have our various masks that we put on. We all have our own reasons. What scares me is leaving the mask on long enough, and forgetting who was underneath.  

Because knowledge is important. What we tend to not realize is that the power of not knowing is exponentially more powerful. Our minds choose to make up what's happening based on our own personal baggage (or lacktherof) and all it takes is one enigmatic swing of events to force us to believe it as reality. 

Ugly fact of life? Of course. Something to remind oneself. Never* make conclusions based on information you don't have.  


*refer to the top


I was watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Long movie. But oh so worth watching.

Timing has come down to be everything. What i didn't get was how it is right in front of me. Timing is everything. What you say is less important than when you say it, or do it, or don't do it. 


What matters more is realizing that time, is the one thing we have absolutely no control of. Change remains the only thing that is constant.


So when someone has said it best, all you can do is repeat it and hope it sends the message you intend to send. Because it's a funny thing about letting go. Light has appeared at the end of the tunnel. The duck is no longer on the pond. 

At last. 


Benjamin Button: For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. 


All the best,


-Matt. 

Balance and Perspective

"When I was a child, I spoke as a child,
I understood as a child, I thought as a child:
but when I became a man, I put away
childish things. "
 1C13:11


Disclaimer: What I have written below is a small peak at what goes through my mind. If you read it all I ask, know that it wasn't written with any particular motive in mind. Whatever you feel, whether it's belief, skepticism, yearning or even agreement. It's a symptom. Of what, for better or worse, whether you realize it now or later, is entirely all up to you. 


 I hope you can live with the decision. In my opinion too much time has gone by. How i wish that i'm wrong. But still. Action expresses priority. The reason it is so hard to accept is because you showed what you do when you cared. So it is painfully obvious to see when you don't. If i was wrong. You had the opportunity to try and explain. I'm afraid that now I won't know what will happen until i face the question when I was once so sure. Because it's the significance that is out of balance. Right now all the significance is with me. It's what makes it heavy on my heart. The fact that you don't see what I do. Reminds me of how we started out. Funny how things change.  

 Because if it's one you aren't prepared to live with then the next ones are hard. Ones people shouldn't have to make. You don't deserve that. Your heart is so beautiful. Despite everything you've been through you are hopeless to give and so sweet. It makes me sad to think people are out there that will take advantage of that. But you're a smart girl. I have faith in you.

Remember when you explained how you knew i was meant for you?? and explained exactly why it didn't work out with anyone before? What you felt? The lengths you were willing to go? How someone someday could walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anybody else?

Make sure you know what you are willing to give up. Whether you know it now or when you are forced to accept it. The truth failed you and so did I. I already failed you by not protecting what meant the most to me. Left it to chance. Because i was too blind to see or too busy to stop and take stock. For whatever reason, and for the record there is no good one, but I am sorry that I was not able to show you what i fear will be too late when you do see. Sorry because I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. If it helps... I didn't make it easy when it mattered.

It's really a shame بيا رسيد وقت درو ; you had me convinced.






There are a few large events that help us set the pace for how we define our lives. Things are brought to our attention that sometimes are so shocking that they help draw away attention from the questions we owe it to ourselves to ask. Before we make decisions we come to regret and can not take back. 23 years later I take stock of my life. For the first time. For a reason that is universally acceptable. You owe it to yourself to know what you want and more importantly what you don't know you want.

Happiness is not an accident. It requires effort. Both emotionally and logically. Balance is the key. The stakes are extremely high. The scary part is that its easy to lose sight of what we have until it's gone.

What if?

There are very few understandings in the little worlds we live in and even fewer people willing to give with the naivety to give freely.  

There are reasons why people say "if someone has said it best already why reinvent it", or something like that. Because an understanding has been reached that doesn't know time or space. It knows no differences. no different languages, no one is immune to its understanding.

Understanding. The word carries its own meaning. It is whatever you want it to be. The danger is whether we choose to lie to ourselves or not. Sometimes it's easier to live that way. Everyone has degrees of truth. Their own level of comfort with what they will share and more importantly what they will not. The scariest: What they are willing to accept about themselves. Like I would like to think I'm a good person but the truth is I would do anything to protect my family. It's a dangerous curtain to remove.

I guess you don't know the answer to some things until you are faced with the question. And some questions i am doing my best to make sure are left unanswered. Easy to get in. Hard to get out.

�� ♫ You want your independence, but you won't let me let you go....♫ ��

Sometimes being able to think and connect the dots leads to being able to connect ones you wish you hadn't. Occupational hazard. But I would rather know and be able to make decisions knowing they were for the right reasons. The example between the question marks reminds me of how dangerous being vulnerable is. Also reminds me of how what goes around definitely comes back around. There is a reason for why i'm explaining all this to you with some form of understanding. Just like there is a reason for alot of things. That's common.

??You cared to help me when i 'needed you for a test' but not when part of me was missing? What did you think? Think. Because this is beyond serious. You were worried about things ending badly and because i knew so many people and the fact it could get very sticky to deal with worst case scenario. Which you didn't know if i was going to be vindictive or not. I know have an understanding as to why you were trying to deal with it the way you did. Not for my sake, but rather for the sake of your situation. Whether i'm right or not is something i tried to get you to explain. Which is a promise from you i have yet receive. But that's not even the scariest part. If you were worried about the capacity of people I know now? At age 23? As a college student?? What is going to happen when it's in the real world??


[paragraph










                                                                                                                              erased]
     The combination of skills are at the mercy of the emotional state of the person. In this case. Me. You said this was something you were giving an opportunity. You aren't. You haven't.

Let me ask you a question. Is this something you have considered thoroughly?




Because if it isn't then everything i just erased from this space because of a second thought shouldn't matter.   



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 Things that are said and written. The ones to worry about.

They are written in INK.  Ink that cannot be erased.

The further you run from your sins, the more exhausted you are when they catch up to you.

Cruelty you don't understand is cruelty you risk inflicting. Someone else saying it best: the ones you love are in the best position to hurt you." What is the reasoning there? There is no rhyme or reason. Or I don't want to know. That's hard to say. I guess some things you can't explain. For someone that wants to explain everything that is a difficult pill to swallow.??

What people don't realize is that the right things can be screwed up for the wrong reasons. When people say everything happens for a reason. A dangerous quote. I hope whenever you say it readers, you are saying it knowing that the reason may not always be for a good one. Here's a way to test it. Try and come up with the reason. If you can't, then maybe you should consider the possibility of being wrong or it's a reason you don't know yet. 

Because if it is just to help you rest your head on the pillow realize that balance is everything. You may be taking advantage of the bliss you are choosing to justify whatever it is with. But you risk being blatantly faced with the truth eventually and it you honestly don't know if you will be able to accept it in the future. A problem you don't see coming. A problem you don't want to think about. A problem that could, ruin everything.

Likely? Probably not. 

Something you should leave to chance? The answer depends. Eventually. The answer is no. 

The problem?  Time isn't refundable. The clock is ticking.

You teach people how to treat you.

Everyone deserves the opportunity to be a stranger to being abused, being taken advantage of and most importantly the opportunity to see the good in people and nothing else. Because. Why not? I'm sorry to say I have an answer to that question. Some questions should never be answered. But the answer is because its a world the way you see it. You can choose to see the righteous in it or you can choose to see the evil. It depends on how easy people make it to see one way or the other.

There's a saying: Whether you think you can or you think you can't; you're right.

But the choice is not nearly as important as what message you send between the lines.

Everything it takes to start a relationship defies all of the things it takes to maintain one. Wrap your head around that one. You can learn something from everyone. Perspective to gain, reminders to enlighten and eyes to open.* 

Space Bound:

We touch i feel a rush,
We clutch it isn't much,
But its enough to make me wonder
What's in store for us,
It's lust, It's torturous,
You must be a sorceress.
Cause you just did the impossible,
Gained my trust, don't play games if you fuck me over,
Cause if i get burnt imma show you what it's like to hurt,
Cause i've been treated like dirt before you,

And

Love is evil, spell it backwards. I'll show you.*

Treat love backwards and it will show you what happens when you put it that way.

Coincidence. Fate. Understand. Luck. Chance.

Which one is it??

It was a series of coincidences that made you who you are and ultimately dictate what you do. 

Fate is the ability to show that which you truly care about that nothing. else. matters.

Chance is what you take regardless of what choice you make. It's the risk you assume that you should focus on. Opportunity cost is a universal concept. Make sure you are willing to give up what miss out on when you choose the option that you have to live with.*

*The option to not choose is there too. Yeah. i agree with you who feel this way only when it involves leaving anything i truly care about to chance. Learn from poker. You can't lose what you don't put in the middle but you can't win much either. 

 The most important thing is what you learn. Whether it be about yourself, someone else, because of someone else, because of circumstances that you let ruin what you could have, or whatever. 


Make sure* you UNDERSTAND whether or not you made the choice you thought you did. Because understanding is what you get after you realize what decision you made, why you made it, what helped you understand why, what made it more difficult to understand why, and most important whether, if you could, really could, would you go back and make the same decision? Knowing what you know now?
Or not? 


The question? So what is it when you are given this perspective at age 23?

  LUCK. 

*I'm emphasizing, just as creatures of habit we take for granted things we are exposed to constantly. We tend to at least. 

Being honest with yourself is what's important. Always. You will never be truly happy unless you are willing to find out what you want, and make sure it's what you want before you set out to get. Especially if it's someone else's heart is at risk. Because some things are worth the risk to attain. Once you get them don't risk losing what you tried so hard to keep. You never know what's possible. If you never try, you will always miss the opportunity. Some opportunities are subtle and those unfortunately are usually the ones that have both a quick expiration date and are the rarest. They are the ones keep you up at night. Nights like the night i wrote this. Once you have it. Cherish it. Don't ever turn your back on it. Protect it. Stay foolish, don't let things get to you that don't really matter. Don't give up on the things that do. You owe it to yourself to try something and understand you don't know how you may feel. Don't fear what you don't know. Use it to your advantage. Make the best of what you have. Fear the idea that you didn't try when you could have. This world would be much worse off if there weren't people that took risks. But don't forget to be true to yourself. You have to know what you want if you ever plan on being with someone. You don't know what lengths you will go to get something or someone you want. Make sure you don't risk it for the wrong reasons. Once you have something, whatever it is, WHOever it is. If you love them. Really love them. Nothing else matters. Which is why it's so dangerous. You don't want to know what you will do when someone you love doesn't feel the same way. You want no doubt. You want to know. When things inevitably get tough you will thank God you have someone that understands you when you think everyone else doesn't. You will have certainty in an uncertain world.

 

You will rarely get what you really want in life if you do not ask for it. To love and win? Best.

To love and lose??

Second best.

-Matt.


 When all is said and done. Everything depends. All you can do is try to make sense of chaos. What you've read is just a small glimpse at my version of rationalizing things. Some logic, some emotion. All subjective. All at the mercy of my prejudice, and now yours. Believe what you want, but do not for a second forget to think. Use your head. It's the only thing that you can control truly. And even then that's only when you're lucky. All you can do is try. It's time I started taking a bit of my own advice. The trick is it's hard when it's you that has the convincing to do. That's why you have to be careful of who you let in. Whether you choose to or not. Once you do. They have hold. Make sure you select carefully who those people are. Never give up.

It's like I chose the corner and waited patiently.

I wish I could finish all the things I started.

The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you, but what he cannot reveal to you. Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says, but rather to what he does not say. 

So much I have to say and so much left to shed light on. For all of us. I'm a fickle one. But if I had to. I would go through all the uncertainty again to remind myself of what I almost lost because of the strength I couldn't muster to leave undone what I set out to complete. 


Make sense to you? 


(me neither.)